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Post by Reens on Aug 5, 2004 16:45:17 GMT -5
Herein lie a million laughs A billion smiles Do contribute And pass a smile We all need cheering up once in a while  ----------------------- Widdle Wabbit A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?" As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?" She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice,"I don't think my pet python weally gives a thit." |
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Post by Miss Knightley on Aug 6, 2004 6:33:24 GMT -5
Oh, that's too cute and too sad at the same time! I may get out in jail for this one...
One night, Persident Bush can't sleep. He;s tossing and turning in the middle of the night and turns over to see a shadow in the corner of the room. The shadow, as it turns out, is the ghost of President George Washington.
Now GWB, instead of being afraid, gets up out of bed and says, "Mr. President, I desperatley need your help. I'm losing sleep because the elections are coming up, and I can't figure out how to make this a better country."
"It's simple, my lad," says Washington. "Listen to what the people say and take their opinions to heart." So he sleeps on it, tries it out and decides it doesn't work. A few weeks later on another sleepless night, he finds the ghost of President Roosevelt in his room. Again, he gets up and begs, "Mr. President, how do I make this a better country?"
Well Roosevelt simply says, "Lower taxes and lessen the amount of government in peoples everyday lives." So he sleeps on it, tries it out and decides it doesn't work. A few weeks later on another sleepless night, he finds the ghost of President Abraham Lincoln in his room. Dreadfully tired and amazingly frustrated, he gets up and say. "Oh, President Lincoln. I just don't know what to do to make this country better! I've followed the advise of George Washington, Roosevelt...I've tried everything!"
Lincoln raises a hand. "Calm down, my boy. The answer is simple. If you want to make this country a better place...go to the theater!"
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Post by Loreley on Aug 6, 2004 6:39:17 GMT -5
haha!! that's definitely the right advice! LOL ;D
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Post by Reens on Aug 6, 2004 9:38:17 GMT -5
Well I suppose Lincoln was the only one who understood GWB's capacity.  A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can. The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?" The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had." The bartender says, "What do you have?" The guy says, "75 cents." |
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Post by Rainbow on Aug 15, 2004 15:45:03 GMT -5
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Post by Miss Knightley on Oct 21, 2005 10:25:10 GMT -5
Okay, this thread needs to come back because I really enjoyed it. Here's a cute one I found online a little while ago. I'd like to make the tagline into a bumper sticker!
One day after Sunday School, a mother and her young daughter were driving home from church. "What did you learn in class today?" the mother asked. Proud at remembering her lesson, the little girl announced, "Don't worry, you'll get your quilt." The mother blinked and shrugged it off, thinking her daughter must have misunderstood something.
Later in the week the mother had the pastor of her church over for tea. In conversation Sunday School came up so she asked, "What was the lesson they went over this Sunday?"
The pastor didn't hesitate in telling her, "Fear not, thy comforter is coming."
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Post by Araminta Ditch on Oct 22, 2005 15:32:13 GMT -5
haha!
here's one of my favorite religious ones...
Jane is in religion class, and after a long, sleepless night, she is finding it hard to stay awake. She nods off and eventually falls asleep while her teacher asks the class some questions.
Noticing that Jane is asleep, the religion teacher decides to pick on her.
Jane! Who is our savior?" she asks.
A boy sitting behind Jane quickly pokes her with his pencil point, and Jane immediately wakes up, screaming, "JESUS CHRIST!"
The teacher, not knowing about the pencil poke is satisfied with the answer.
After a while longer, Jane falls asleep again, and so the teacher calls on her again.
"Jane, who do we worship?"
The boy behind her pokes his pencil harder, and Jane jumps up and yells, "GOD ALMIGHTY!"
The teacher is once again satisfied with the answer and continues on with the lesson.
Once again, after a few minutes, Jane falls asleep again, and the teacher, very angry now, decides to ask a question she hopes will stump Jane.
"Jane, what did Eve say to Adam as she gave birth to their seventeenth child?"
The boy pokes Jane extra-hard and Jane jumps up and snarls, "You stick that f*cking thing up there ONE MORE TIME, I'm going to break it in half!"
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Post by Jems on Oct 30, 2005 17:58:09 GMT -5
*giggles* I've heard a different version of that and everytime I hear it, I always laugh so hard I need the toilet XD
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Post by codcatcher on Jan 4, 2006 9:59:24 GMT -5
hey guys this is my first post my dad told me this joke a couple of days ago:
a woman called margaret was painting her house one day and fell of her ladder, in hospital whilst knocked out she travelled up to heaven and was met by god, god looked at her and said why are you here your not due for another 40 years. margaret returned to earth and recovered fully she decided to make the most of her 40 years and so used her savings to have full plastic surgery. after the operations she walked out of the doctors and was hit by a bus. on arriving at heaven margaret walked up to god and asked him about living for 40 more years god looked at her and said "sorry margaret i didn't recognise you"
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Post by Miss Knightley on Jan 6, 2006 9:40:30 GMT -5
Hehe, that's cute.
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Post by Miss Knightley on Jan 6, 2006 9:51:25 GMT -5
One night this guy was in a terrible hurry to get home. His work day had been awful, his boss had yelled at him, and he had run out of gas just a mile from the gas station. When he finally got going and was speeding toward home, a bunny ran out in the road in front of his car and, unable to stop in time, the man hit the bunny.
Cursing and muttering to himself, the man pulled over, got out of his truck, and went to see if the bunny was okay in the fading daylight. When he saw the little animal lying on the road unmoving, his heart broke and he suddenly felt worse than he had all day.
"Oi!" The man looked up upon hearing a stranger call to him, surprised to be looking into the masked bandit face of a raccoon. "I saw what happened," said the 'coon with the cockney accent. "Terrible thing, that. Simply dreadful."
"I didn't mean to kill him," the man lamented, completely unnerved by the fact that he was talking to a raccoon. "I was just trying to get home."
The raccoon, looked left then right before approaching the man. "Well I've got something here that might just solve your problems. 'er, try this!" The raccoon presented the man with a spray bottle. "Just soak the little bugger and see what happens."
The man, desperate to try anything to make his day better, took the bottle without any questions and sprayed the dead bunny until it was covered. In a matter of moments the bunny started to breathe again. "It's a miracle!' the man exclaimed. The bunny got up, hopped a few feet away, then turned and waved at the man and the raccoon.
The man grinned and waved back, watching as the bunny hopped further away...then stopped, turned and waved again. Now the man was confused as the bunny hopped further away, turned and waved. "What's wrong with him?" the man asked. "What's in this bottle."
The 'coon was gone by now so the man turned the bottle over in his hand. It turned out to be some sort of leave-in conditioner that claimed "revives hair with permanent wave."
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Post by Araminta Ditch on Feb 15, 2006 0:09:43 GMT -5
HAHA.
i love it.
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