Sometimes it's a sad song *deserted* | PG-15

[Jems]

As you wish:)

Chapter 8:Keira's POV
Beta Read by Renee

21st December 2004
2:30pm

There's a song that's inside of my soul
It's the one that I've tried to write
over and over again
I'm awake and in the infinite cold
But You sing to me over and over and
over again

The slam of a door startle my eyes open, fear scuttling through my emotions before I realise that I am safe. The loose arm that had been draped over my body earlier on and the hot breath at the base of my neck has disappeared, telling me, Jamie is not present. Rolling onto my back, I groan pitifully as sore muscles complain and the headache which has ceased to lift, bangs steadily on my discomfort. Staring around the unfamiliar room, I realise that we must have pried into Orlando and Kate’s privacy once again by staying over night due to my illness. At the sound of the door creaking open I see Jamie, attempting to be quiet incase I am still sleeping. When I move my head stiffly towards him, he smiles sympathetically, once aware I have woken from the dreamless slumber.

‘Hey beautiful, how are you feeling?’<br>
I mumble something barely audible about being more or less ‘dead’ and he grins at my sarcasm, crawling over the mattress on all fours before tumbling next to me playfully. I let out a whispery laugh, fingers curling around his head as he buries himself in the crook of my neck, marking the skin with soft kisses. Closing my eyes peacefully, I realise that I can easily stay like this forever and not wish to move in the least. There is something so alluring about having a warm body pressed against skin, it’s so comforting and cosy. We remain like this for a number of minutes before Jamie props himself up on an elbow.

‘I’ve made an appointment for you with the doctor today.’<br>
I move onto my side, glaring at him unhappily. He knows how much I hate going to that bloody place.

‘Come on sweetheart,’ He says encouragingly, ‘You’re only going to be in there for a maximum of ten minutes. They might do any tests.’<br>
‘Tests?’ I squeak, eyes widening at the prospect of having to do some sort of activity, most likely making a complete fool of myself.

Jamie’s mouth opens but nothing comes out and he is no doubtly racking his brains in order to try and recover previous speech. Luckily he is saved as Kate rushes in, clutching a mobile phone which is ringing persistantly. Thanking her profusely, Jamie presses it to his ear saying hello with an annoyed tone once observing the calling ID. As he talks with a sharp agitated edge he pulls me to his chest, hands playing with my hair. I see Kate’s expression which holds a substance of amusement tinted with admiration and when she catches me observing her, she sends me a soft smile. When the line of gaze is lost, and she thinks I am no longer watching, a darkness creeps over her and the spark in both eyes goes out.

Eventually after a series of arguing and a large amount of swearing, Jamie chucks the dreaded item to the end of the bed where it hits the wood with a dull thunk.

‘I’ll go on my own, don’t worry about it darling.’ I say quietly, knowing most certainly he can’t accompany me anymore due to his nagging agent. My fingers trace the creases where his frown lies, trying to smoothen them out with my touch.

‘I hate him,’ Jamie mutters.

‘You don’t hate James sweetheart, you’re just pissed off with him for bothering you. Just go, I’ll be ok.’ I reassure him soothingly, but the sharpness of his temper sinks into the atmosphere despite my attempts to prevent it.

‘I can always take Keira there,’ Kate suggests from where she stands at the foot of the bed. ‘It’s not a problem, I would like to get out of the house.’ I notice the bitter resentment hidden in her voice as she speaks.

‘That would be great, thanks Kate you’re a star.’<br>
Jamie gets off the bed, pulling on his jacket grimly and stuffing his phone into a pocket harshly, before kissing her on the cheek. Kate tells me she will get me some clean clothes and disappears. Jamie moves back over to me, sweeping me into a world of love without further hesitation. I do not notice Orlando waltzing in with an armful of Kate’s posessions a minute later, stopping abruptly as he observes the intimacy Jamie and I hold for one another. Jamie’s trailing passion marks upon my forehead, holding me close as he breathes countless apologies over and over. No matter how many times I attempt to convince him it’s ok, the guilt does not leave his eyes. I understand he feels he has neglected me by not being there yesterday. Even though I am aware it is due to no fault of his own having his agent persist him to attend meetings, he does not stop asking for forgiveness. It takes a while before he glimpses at his watch regretfully, securing me with a final touch of the mouth before straightening up and noticing Orlando.

‘Hey man,’ Jamie says, slapping him on the back in greeting.

‘Hey,’ Orlando replies wearily, lifelessly managing to point to the clothes draping over an arm. ‘Kate’s got some clothes for you, Keira.’<br>
‘Thank you.’ I reply as casually as possible while lifting myself out of bed, closing my eyes as the room spins for a second before becoming stationary.

I aknowledge Jamie’s hovering hand in a wave goodbye before vanishing from view. Orlando who had been following Jamie’s moving body, turns himself to face me again while passing the clothes. Making sure I do not meet his eyes, I take them from him, yet my sight betrays me and discoversbut not black shadows as horrific as bruises, haunting the rings underneath his eyes. When his hands are free, he runs them over his daunting face as if trying to rid himself of the overwhelming tiredness that consumes his appearance. He does not move, just resolves to chewing on a thumb nail nervously. I stare at him, wanting to change but know it is impossible with his presence. He just stares at me, mouth parted ever so slightly as if waiting for words to roll from his tongue and brace off lips. Nothing commences as I start to scrape my locks back into a hair band. He watches almost fascinated by my every movement, even though we are both aware nothing special is occuring. When he finally comes out of his trance and notices I am waiting for his disappearance, he mutters an embarassed sorry before going away, shoulders hunched and hands shovelling into the depths of jean pockets.

I change quickly, suddenly aware how much I want to leave the building and get out into what I assume is the crisp, midday atmosphere. Moving over to the window, I lean against the ledge with a soft sigh. Frosty icing has settled on all the visible scenery from where I remain at the window, mainly on towering magnificent trees and the few leaves that have managed to cling onto bare branches all through the autumn weather. Even though sound from beyond the walls is not clear, I can still hear the faint howl of the screaming wind begging to run through my wild mane of hair.

‘Keira sweetie, ready to go?’<br>
With difficulty I tear myself away from the spotless glass and wander after Kate. As we set down the hall, Orlando suddenly appears in front of us, dressed in only a wet towel that hangs loosely around his waist with the impression of slipping any moment. The world seems to come to a stand still. Dark curls thick with water hang around his face posessively, liquid trickling down his skin and onto the floor below as it is freed from the ends of hair. Tanned skin due to the radiating sun, holds captive his shimmering beauty. And I find myself fighting away my gaze. Tension is suddenly building up, but for once it is not me that is causing the emotion. Kate storms past, a glare set in her expression which is so furious, even I can’t help but wince. Orlando’s innocent orbs follow her in a mist of confusion as she speeds towards the door at a most horrific space. I’m approaching him, gulping profusely as I try not to avert my eyes to the practically naked body before me. As I walk past, realising Kate has already left due to the open door, he grabs an arm, spinning me around so his face is right up close. His scent reaches my nostrils immediately and my eyelids fling close whilst I savour the flavour. He doesn’t say a word, only frames my head in big, warm hands, brushing his lips against the skin of my forehead. I freeze. Eyelids snapping open as I stand unusually still. He also turns rigid, probably only just understanding what he has done without a trace of thought. I spring away from his grasp, taking one last look at those lost, melting eyes before retreating through the door with no uttered speech. It is only then I understand…understand that the kiss was a goodbye. Understand that the moment was probably our last until I next see him and who knows when that will be. Yet, I cannot help but wish it is not for a very long time. Too many emotions swim around in open waters when I am accompanied by Orlando. I cannot cope…cannot bear to be around him because that strangling coil twists itself around my soul a little tighter everytime. He has that effect on me. It will never go away.

[Jems]

The journey is almost a peaceful one, for Kate and I indulge in relaxing conversation. Anger that had once posessed Kate’s nature has vanished, yet a mourning reproachful look occupies the light in her eyes and it does not remove itself once, no matter how much I wish it would. Laughing at something I have said, Kate pulls into an empty place in the surgery car park and turns off the engine.

‘Here we are.’<br>
‘Great.’ I groan as we enter the building, collecting permission to seat ourselves in the waiting room after claiming my arranged appointment. ‘I hate the bloody doctors.’<br>
Giggling as quietly as possible, Kate aimlessly picks up a tatty magazine and begins to flick through it absent-mindedly.

‘I know, I don’t like them either, but I suppose they’re fuc.king clever people really.’<br>
An old woman who sits beside us, gasps loudly as if she is dying a painful death but really she’s just horrified because Kate swore for all the room to hear.

‘Shi.t, sorry!’ Kate apologises, and I fall into fits of laughter when her eyes widen as she realises she has just cursed again.

‘Oops,’ she breathes gently as the lady hobbles over to the other side of the room, muttering under her breath angrily and shaking her head. ‘I seem to be in an argument with everyone today.’<br>
I frown at her, wanting her to provoke further into the sentence, but she doesn’t and I refuse to let myself ask. It is none of my business, but that does not prevent that little snag in my soul questioning away.

‘Damn, look at that.’ Kate whispers suddenly, pointing to a particular picture in the magazine she is observing.

Leaning over, my eyes widen as recognition allows me to figure out what and who the picture consists of. Paparazzi have obviously been following me closer then I realise, for a picture of me and Jamie kissing in London is spread over a whole page. I cringe, moaning loudly at the mere sight of it. Somehow, seeing a picture of you caught in a passionate embrace with your boyfriend slap bang in the middle of “Hello!” magazine, is not exactly what you call comforting.

‘Oh well,’ I sigh, ‘I should have known someone would be following me, I swear I have no privacy.’<br>
‘Neither do I,’ Kate admits. ‘At least you don’t get regular hate mail for dating the sexiest man alive.’<br>
I snort loudly.

‘Sexiest man alive? Really?’<br>
‘Who knows? I just quoted it off a caption underneath his picture…’ her finger hovers over numerous pages until she stabs at some writing. ‘There, see?’<br>
I nod, chuckling with amusement once I’ve read it, and then Kate chucks it back onto the table where it belongs.

‘Well…,’ I say after a long pause. ‘If you don’t mind me saying, that man did not look attractive this morning, I thought he was going to drop dead. Did he sleep a wink last night?’<br>
Kate purses her lips together roughly, eyes turning into dagger slits.

‘I wouldn’t know.’ She says cooly, ‘He didn’t come home last night.’<br>
Silently my mind clicks. That would explain her icy glares at him this morning. He, oblivious to many things in the world, has not the foggiest clue what the matter is. Yet most likely, I expect he knows he has done wrong but won’t admit it. The countless weights of worries on his shoulders has cancelled out every other feeling and action that has commenced. Kate does not know that. Hell, I even doubt if she knows he is distressed. It makes my heart dip slowly into a state of fear as I think he may be slipping into a breakdown. Maybe I should warn her. Maybe not. Too many questions would arise that I cannot answer and would therefore provoke my restless guilt.

‘Keira Knightley?’<br>
A doctor stands in the doorway, hair hanging in waves all the way down to her shoulders in twists of brown. She smiles at me and I force one back, scrambling to my feet. After walking down a dimly lit hall and entering her room, I settle myself down by her desk.

‘Now, what seems to be the problem?’ She asks, shooting me a wild smile, eyes twinkling. I can’t help but wonder how the hell can she be happy in this hell hole full of spluttering, sick people.

I explain my condition as fast as I can, just wishing she will give me a prescription and let me leave. Half way through, she stops me in mid-sentence.

‘You fainted?’<br>
I shrug. ‘Yes, I was sick and then passed out on the floor. My boyfriend brought me back and I’ve been sick more persitantly since, as well as a horrible headache.’<br>
Her eyebrows rise into a high arc and fingers race away on the keyboard as she taps away. She pauses, staring at the computer screen intently and releases an appreciative sound as it spurts information onto the screen.

‘Well,’ she starts. ‘I assume that the sickness is a bug which will go away with time. The fainting, I’m afraid I cannot place, but I assume it is just because of the intake of alcohol along with feeling fragile and throwing up. I am going to prescribe you some pills to decrease the discomfort of your head and stomach. If you still feel unwell within a week or so, come back and we will dig a little deeper and carry out some tests.’<br>
The printer starts to whirr and complain as it spits out a printed prescription.

‘Here you go.’ She says, bearing that sickly smile that gives me the creeps. ‘I hope that helps.’<br>
‘Thank you.’ I reply as I take the form and rush out of the room as fast as I can possibly manage. I can safely say that even if I throw up for the next fortnight, I am not going back in there.

When I appear back in the waiting room, I find Kate’s head hung low, lost deep in thought. I fight the temptation to leave her pondering as I know how hard she is trying not to let her discomfort shine through appearance.

‘Ready to go?’ I ask softly, capturing her attention.

She raises her head to look at me, sadness looming over her features like a threatening shadow waiting to pounce. Forcing a smile, she gets up as we walk out into fresh air.

‘How was it?’<br>
Rolling my eyes with a shudder, I reach for my seat belt. Kate laughs as she begins to reverse and then heads down the road.

‘That bad, huh?’<br>
I shrug uselessly before realising I should provide a true answer.

‘She gave me a prescription to ease the pain, and that’s about it. Should go away with time thank God. All I’m saying is if I’m ill for Christmas I’m going to bloody cry. I cannot face puking for another week.’<br>
A throaty noise releases itself from Kate’s mouth in sympathy and then we remain quiet. Silence laps gently in my mind, blocking out any sounds that attempt to reach my ears, I am only accustomed to the faint buzz of the engine. My eyes avert to the scenery rushing by outside and Kate concentrates on the road. As we stop outside my block of appartments, I turn to give Kate a huge hug, but stop with arms in mid air as I notice a couple of droplets seeping down her face.

‘Kate, sweetie?’ I ask with concern, as she peers up at me sniffing uncontrollably. ‘Oh honey!’ I exclaim, wrapping her into a hug. ‘Is this about Orlando?’<br>
She nods whilst wildly wiping away the wet resedue on her flushed cheeks.

‘It’s-it’s just so unlike him.’ She says inbetween hiccups. ‘He always calls. Always. No matter where he is, he will always call to let me know he’s safe. I don’t know what’s going on with him Keira.’<br>
Squeezing my eyelids shut tight, I wish I am in any other place but here. It’s terrible seeing her like this, a tragic mess all because of a night he has not spent with her. I can tell she cares for him more then herself. She loves him. Pure undeniable love, and she never tries to conceal it. She can’t stop it. He’s obsessive. A drug that has you begging on your knees for more. It makes you want to live…live forever with him. He’s something that you can’t just give up with a click of the fingers. And that’s when I realise that there is no way you can just walk out of Orlando Bloom’s life and expect it’s not going to haunt you. For leaving him. Abandoning him. And as I watch Kate drive away down the road, on her way back to amend things with him, I suddenly know that I will pay for what I did. For what we did. That punishment has yet to come and as much as I wish I was, I am far from ready for it.

[OrliKeiraluva]

YAYY! great update jems!! im just lovin this story to bits! keep up the great work!! ;D

[OrliKeiraluva]

and when're we gonna learn anything bout this mystery over christmas...? no pressure tho..im just being my usual impatient self.

[icecream]

wow! this is sooo good! update soon!

[OrliKeiraluva]

you're still writing on this fic right? or is it finished? just making sure...

[Jems]

Nope darlin, of course not. How are you?

Chapter 9: Orlando's POV

22nd December 2004
4:35pm

Learning to breathe
I'm learning to crawl
I'm finding that you and you alone can break my fall
I'm living again, awake and alive
I'm dying to breathe in these abundant skies

The hot shower jet sends water cascading over my body like a sheet of fine silk slithering over bare skin. Cold sweat that once clung to me is caught by the precious liquid and slides away as it swirls down the darkness of the drain. A hand works it way up to my neck, consciously kneading the tangled, twisted muscle that has settles itself there due to the position I slept in. Waking half an hour ago from a recognisable dream, I had found myself exactly where I’d sat down 24 hours earlier, my whole body coated in thick sweat and breath drawing itself so harshly from my lungs it acted as if it was my last. The only differences were the thick blanket hugging cosily to my body and the television being switched off so silence overwhelmed the room. After glancing at the clock, I knew I must have slept all through the night, morning and most the afternoon without disturbance. The familiar scenic view I found from the window told me that rain was still determined to spit onto my worries and dampen my spirits further. Kate was nowhere to be found. A note was taped to the refrigerator, which simply said she would come home later. That was it. No, “I love you.” No sweet nickname. Just, “I’ll be back at 5.” It sent my troubles wriggling even further into my disturbed mind. She was still mad at me. Ferociously angry. So, as most people would do, I turned to the shower, hoping it would clear me of some thoughts. Yet, as I eventually turn off the water, I realise it has done no such thing.

Once changed I tug open my bedside draw, digging in the hidden darkness of the area before finding the object I was searching for. Snapping open the velvet box I tenderly trace the silver chain with my finger, only lingering when I reach the hanging item. The outline of a beautiful swan stands out magnificently from the shimmering pendant, catching the light wonderfully. As I chuck the box onto the bed and place the cool, hard jewel into my hand, eyes squeeze shut. My thumb rubs constantly over the smooth surface, almost as if making a wish for the images of the dream to return. And they do, constantly replaying over and over again until it seems like every single detail is once again refreshed in my memory for good. I can feel her lips releasing those soft moans against mine, sending shooting, shivering pleasures to every nerve in my body. Hands are skimming over naked skin. Exploring. Roaming. Loving. Ragged breath and short sighing gasps welcome my hearing with the most angelic sound in the whole of existance. I am completely caught in the moment, holding my breath just incase even the smallest sound throws me out of the imagery. But then eventually the pictures start to fade, the noises become distant and the familiar touch removes itself from my senses. Her face is vanishing. Those beautiful features and big, wide doe eyes of hazelnut are blending into the cold darkness. I whimper, desperately trying to grab onto her with all my might, but it’s like grasping thin air. Keira’s gone.

I open my eyes, breathlessly panting, only to see the bedroom as it always has been. All history of true happenings that once took place on a lonely Christmas night in the Caribbean are no longer present. Yet they will never be forgotten. That recollection of memory was a warning of the past trying to catch up with me. I knew it would and I’ve been waiting for it. I was and still am well aware that I could not avoid the consequences of my actions forever. There is no stopping it, life will throw complications at me which I only deserve. I got myself into this tangled web of difficulties and it is up to me to live through the pain and guilt. I was not drunk that night, nor will I ever pretend I was. It was pure. Undeniably pure and I know as soon as my lips came into contact with Keira’s it would not be the last. I did not plan it. In no way would I ever do such a thing. Yet my heart had yearned for it and all the time I was committing the sin I did not think about Kate once. I’m disgusting. Foul. I admit that and the worse thing is however hard I try to search for that one glimpse of regret, the only one I can find is the guilt of Kate finding out building slowly in my mind.

My soul had hung on the thinnest thread that night. I did not give it permission to be there, dangling so daringly and willingly. It made me afraid because I knew for a fact that Keira could have caught it with bare hands and placed it to her heart for eternity. She was well aware of it’s presence. It was not something we could see, but it’s heavy weight and emotion hung thickly around us. Her soul joined mine in that binding knot above our heads. At one point I thought she may do it…capture me forever, but as soon as she realised her whole being hung on the very pores of her skin she refrained. She was scared. Frightened to the death at the mere prospect that all these feelings were seeping out into an open world for anyone to notice…for me to notice. I did. There is no way she can possibly change that.

I’m staring at the pendant again, which swings ever so slightly as I lift it up to eye level. The swan becomes more vivid now, so I can make out it’s elegant wings, the fine beak and proud head. I see it in a different way now. I always used to hate the creatures, until I met Keira that was. Looking back, I realise that I can remember every single minor detail of the day I first aknowledged her properly. I will never forget it.

It had been a long, disappointing time, and I had departed from the pub early, leaving behind the smoky air clustered with laughter. I wandered outside onto the soft, powdery granules of the beach, staring at the moon’s reflections that already magnificently reflected on the dappled water. Now and again the lulling hush of the miniature, harmless waves crashed and then glided over cool sand. In the distance I could just see the outline of a girl and headed towards the figure. Her hair was flapping mildly in the whispering wind full of secrets and unknown tales. I was intrigued.

Only meters away and I could already feel the seeping sadness foggily registering my senses. She did nothing but merely stare out at the ocean, knees tucked tightly to her chest in a source of comfort. I do not know what quite posessed me to do so, but I remained where I was for the longest time utterly hypnotised. Staring. Observing. Just drinking in the image before me. I wanted nothing more but to be her support.

I had called her softly, but startling her all the same so a head snapped round, eyes wide with fright. She only had to take me in before relaxing and turning back to sea, not saying a word. And I had just sat down beside her, doing exactly as she had done, observing the beauty that surrounded me so tenderly at the dark hours of the night.

After a while she broke the silence. Explaining how she was homesick and she had been looking forward to nothing better then going home for a while over Christmas. Not that she wasn’t enjoying her time filming, just that fact that loneliness seemed to be her only friend at the moment and it was getting to her a little too much. Her boyfriend Jamie was back home along with her family. She had everything over there. So, naturally when Jerry and Gore broke the news to us today that we were unable to visit home over Christmas, she had just wanted to curl up into a tiny non-existant ball and burst into a fit of tears. And surprisingly I listened to her. Something that if you had known me well, would have surprised you so much you would nearly have had a heart attack. But it was different with Keira. I wanted to listen to her. She captivated my attention within an instant and I could have happily remained there listening to her problems for the rest of my life. I didn’t want to be anywhere else.

[Jems]

It was that night I saw her in a different light. Not the young, teenage girl everybody was always yapping about, but the beautiful, blossoming women that evolved as soon as you gave the time to get to know her. In a way she was the perfect friend. She made me laugh, gave me advice, welcomed me into her flat whenever I felt I needed someone to talk to or generally wanted some company. She gave me cuddles. Long affectionate hugs that I needed to survive, just like her. We both recognised this early on and developed an understanding that we could share our tender moments without it being interpreted the wrong way.To be honest, she was my inspiration and I can never look at that in another way. She kept me going. Made me feel alive. Made me happy. Sprung me away from the media life I had become so used to and into a new world, one that I used to know so well and missed with a great longing. She made me recognise the real me, the Orlando that had been covered in dust and cobwebs since my hectic acting life began. And the scariest thing was that she had the same life as I owned. The same people following her with cameras and screaming her name constantly so she was reduced from privacy. The same reporters writing absolute crap, which always made me want to strangle them to death because these hushed rumours would float around for years to come. Yes, Johnny was the same and although I was surrounded by him more, Keira was always the person that stuck in my mind at the end of the day. Hell, I only saw her for about 3 months of the whole 6 month shoot, but she was there over Christmas and that was when we became close. Too close. And after that I never spoke to her again. Not that I didn’t want to, but she ran…ran as she always did when something goes wrong in her life. She avoided me and although I hate to admit it I avoided her too, because looking at her hurt painstakingly hard and would actually reduce me to tears if I didn’t pull away my gaze.

And Johnny knew. Of course he did. But never did he ask what had happened, not once. I, although I was known for always turning to him in a time of comfort if not Keira, simply didn’t tell him because Icouldn’t spit the words out. It was too hard to describe in detail and still is. Not the fact that we had sex, anybody can say that without hesitation, but the fact that it seemed too meaningful to be a one night stand. It wasn’t just one wild night it was so very, very different. And whenever I replayed it over in my mind when Johnny was near me and I was lost in my own little world, he would bring me out of it by gently placing his hand on my shoulder telling me to be tough. Telling me I had to be if this was to remain a secret, otherwise the consequences would be far worse then drowning in my own sorrow. And he still said nothing, not a question nor query. Never. He knew I couldn’t talk about it, knew I couldn’t discuss it because it was all to painful. So he left me to deal with it on my own, only helping to keep me together and pick up some of the pieces when I most needed it.

It is only now as the front door slams making me jump out my wits that I realise I cannot dither in the past for much longer. Not while Kate’s around. She’s still angry… still upset at me for not telling her where I was. And she had been worried, genuinely concerned about my well being. It’s not that I don’t want to tell her where I was. It’s just the fact that I can’t reveal someone elses privacy. My sister’s business is nothing but her own and I respect that. I also don’t know how I can casually slip in the fact that I visited an abortion clinic with my sister who is 13 weeks pregnant into regular conversation.

I hated it there. I can admit that now. I loathed that clinic. I wanted to be somewhere else…anywhere else and I would have been if it hadn’t been for Sam’s constant gratitude for me being with her. So I had just resolved to sitting there. Sinking in all the information while I held her hand for reassurance, although I know I mostly did it to reassure me if anyone, that I was doing the right thing by being there. That I was being supportive, a good, loving brother who would stick by his sister through thick and thin just as she had done for me so many times. And when we had left the dreaded place, I had to force a smile onto my face because I didn’t know what else to do. And the ride home had been silent… deadly quiet. When we had finally pulled into the drive she had only broken down into a new set of tears. She confessed to me that she hadn’t told my mother. My mother knew nothing. She hadn’t the slightest clue of the on goings in her eldest childs life and the fact that I was helping her through a disastrous time. What made things worse was Sam wasn’t going to tell her. Wasn’t even going to think about it. So when we walked in through the front door and Sam ran upstairs with a tear stained face, she assumed it was resulted from her break up with Jason. Yes, that’s right. Bastard Jason. That son of a bitch that left my sister to fend for herself with an unborn child. To make her own decision in what to do. And when my mother asked me if she was right about Sam’s mourning, do you know what I did? I lied… lied to my mother after not seeing her for nearly a year. I felt dreadful. Awful. Horrible. Yet I still let her pamper me with dinner and lazing about in front of the television as we chatted softly. And I realised that I missed my family…missed them more then I had thought. Sam had come down in the end, snuggling into my arms as I gave her a long hug but not before searching her with my eyes to check she was feeling all right now. And then my mother had chuckled as I kissed Sam on the forehead, stating that she never thought she would see the light when we became affectionate to one another. We had groaned, laughing along and fighting away the urge to throw a cushion at her figure like we would have done when we were younger.

We had stayed like that for hours…hours in which I forgot all the difficulties that lay in my path. I lost all memories of the past, on goings that had only happened hours ago in a disenfected environment. I forgot about Kate at my flat. Forgot she would be wondering where I was and worrying out of her mind. I simply misplaced all signs of thought. In the end, I wound up falling asleep in my old bed, still dressed in ragged jeans and an old t-shirt. After a few hours I had woken up and visited the bathroom only to hear Sams soft whimpering sobs. So I did what I was supposed to by going into her room and comforting her…helping her and being the good brother I should always be.

I didn’t sleep a wink after that. Not once. She soon quietened down but never did I lose myself in the land of dreams. I remained awake, eyes tracing constant darkness as that was all my sight was accustomed to. It was not pleasant. I did not enjoy being away from Kate. I wanted to be back home…in my bed…in my flat. But I wasn’t and there was nothing I could do about it.

And now as feet wander me into the hallway, I stuff the necklace holding memories of the past into the shadowed depths of my pocket. Kate is putting her coat in the cupboard but when she is done and turns to face me her eyes are cold. Meaningless. It makes me want to drown in my pitiful worries, but I know I must be strong and make ammends with her. I hate her being mad at me. Having her push me away. All I want to do is wrap my arms around her and feel the warmth of her body press against my own and tell her I love her. I need some comfort. Need to feel wanted.

Suddenly I am next to her, our bodies so close I can feel her soft breath caress my cheeks. My hands have risen to cup her face and our foreheads press together gently, eyes closing sadly without any consideration or thought. When I let my eyelids open again I see a new light in her eyes, a warmth that greets me much more pleasantly then before. Her hands are creeping round my waist, tugging me closer…needing me against her. Before I know it I’m kissing her…marking her with all the love I have. Whenever we come up for breath all I can do is tell her I’m sorry, whisper how much I love her…how much I cherish having her. That funny feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach has vanished and all I can focus on is her own tongue battling mine. How her body is pressing so tight against my own I can’t help but wonder if I could possibly have her any closer. I’m carrying her into the bedroom, laying her down on our mattress before lips descend to roam over bare skin. I’m losing myself in the moment, doing so well that my senses begin to cloud with the scene before me. But then the misty fog travels away with a sudden gust of wind. Suddenly all I can feel is the heavy weight of the necklace in my trouser pocket. All I can see is Keira’s face, hovering even in the darkness when I snap my eyes shut to try and lose the image. All I can recall is the memory of waking the day after Christmas and finding the necklace lying on the pillow where Keira’s head should have been.

[OrliKeiraluva]

they slept together!! wooohoooo!! go lando! go keira!! yay! okay, im done.. you know what? you just made my crappy day seem so much better. that was really beautiful. loving it! update soon! ;D

[OrliKeiraluva]

this story is honestly so damn great! you rock my sox!! ;D update soon please! *pouts*

[icecream]

wow! im loving this so much! please update soon or ill die! ;D

[atadley3127]

wow...havent read it in a while....but it was awesome...cant wait for more

[jollyroger]

im really loving this fic! you're a damn genius! please update! ;D

[icecream]

Pleeeeaaasssee update soon, I've been on the edge of my seat ever since your last post. *pouts and bats eyelashes* pwetty pwetty pwease?

[Jems]

Chapter 10:Keira's POV

23rd December 2004
5:30 pm

You got what you deserved
I hope you're happy now
Because everytime I think of her with you
It's killing me Inside.
Now I dread each day knowing that I can't be saved
From the loneliness of living without you

The cool breeze swirls around the streets like a shivering sadness in search of warmth. As I walk along the pavement leaving behind the sky painted with a grey dreariness, my feet crack on the ice and frost that has sheathed the ground. It’s one of those days where you just wish that snow will flutter down in spirals, laying in a thick, soft powder of purity. You want to feel the sting of snowflakes as they rest on naked skin and melt into the pores, leaving you somewhat refreshed. Instead, you have horrible weather that can’t decide whether to rain or snow, so sticks somewhere in the middle, meaning you are left with slushy sleet that spits slowly from the heavens and drenches you within seconds.

Clutching a bag in an icy grasp, I dig my other hand deep in my pocket and snuggle my nose into Jamie’s scarf. My pace is a fast one as I have the funny feeling that someone is following me. Suspicions are only made clearer when I hear the snap of a camera now and again. I know I should have taken the car, but as the journey to Orlando’s and Kate’s is only a 20 minute walk I decided to risk it by foot. Oh how wrong I was. With the photographer and the weather what could have been a worse decision? Coming to drop off Kate’s clothes would be a close one actually. I could have made Jamie do it. Correction: I should have made Jamie do it. It makes me believe that my mind is wondering away from the practicalities of life and focusing particularly on one major problem. Or should I say person? Yes, that’s it. One major person.

As I turn into their road that familiar feeling of uneasiness screams through my veins like a sheer knife stabbing at my heart. I don’t want to be here but something seems to be calling me. Beckoning me. To him. Only him. And I don’t want to. Not really. But my heart does and I can’t help what the most honest part of my body desires. I can’t help that I still feel his soft lips where they brushed over my forehead. I’m craving for more. Craving because I know what it feels to have his mouth pressed against mine. Know what it does to me when his body hovers over me, dark ravishing curls loosely falling over his face as he gazes down with mocha eyes. I want to be close to him. Just like I did a year ago. But I must refrain and live with just seeing him.

Now, i’m standing outside his door before I have time to think. Before I decide this is a bad idea and I shouldn’t have come. I am aware I should just not be here. Infact, I never should have met him in the first place. Never should have let myself become friends with him a year ago. Let him approach me on the beach and comfort me in a time of need. I could have got through on my own. I could have done. But I had wanted him and that made it all so much worse. I never would be in the mess I am in now if I hadn’t met him would I? Living off his last touch and memories that never fulfill my needs? Or maybe I would. Maybe it’s my destiny to be like this. Maybe fates path led me down this route. The trail that has me broken. Lost. And I shouldn’t be. I should know what to do. And I do in some respects and don’t in others. I understand what I owe to the man I cheated on. The man I love. The Jamie that makes me happy. And he really does. I can never ask for more then he gives me. I don’t need to. It’s perfect with him. I’m at ease. My lovely Jamie. My oh so lovely Jamie that is always there for me in an instance if I ask for it. So why must the past drag me to other distractions that I thought I had left behind me?

Finally shaking my head to loose thoughts, I reluctantly ring the doorbell, thinking to myself that I do not belong here. And I won’t linger. I owe Jamie that much. I’ve already betrayed him enough.

‘Sam is that you?’ A voice yells at the sound of the doorbell. ‘Come on in, the door’s open!’

I snap out of my wonderings at the sudden call. His voice has my heart racing and head pounding so viciously I feel like it might explode. My breath catches in my throat but I force myself to calm down and get my lungs back working in an orderly manner. I dither about only for a few seconds as I contemplate what to do before pushing open the door and stepping inside. Still holding onto the bag I take a good look around as I shut the door securely behind me.

I never really observed their appartment before. It’s beautifully furnished but I can tell they have not been here long enough to unpack some remaining boxes that lay scattered about on the floor. A few photographs stand on the table by the phone but I do not dare to look them. I refuse to let myself wallow in the sorrow of them being happy together and having it captured in an image. And it is selfish. I know it is because I have that happiness with Jamie so why can’t he? And I admit my brain fully well understands the answer I can give within an instance. But I will not tell the world and I daresay I never will.

[Jems]

Orlando has his head buried in the chest of draws and the whole room is covered in clothes except for the black bag that sits on the middle of the bed when I find him. I’m guessing that he is packing for when he goes to stay with his mum for a few days. Kate’s clothes are already neatly folded I can see, but Orlando…well, he doesn’t seem to quite know what he’s doing. Or should I say, doesn’t seem to know what he’s taking with him. Either way, both ideas would explain the clothes littering the carpet. So I just stand in the doorway, finding myself wanting to speak, but on feeling that awkwardness rushing back I just continue to watch him. Remaining quiet, I chew nervously on my bottom lip, wondering, while I know he hasn’t seen me, if I can just settle the bag down by the front foor and leave him to find it. But I’m too scared to move now. Frightened because I know either way he will see me. So I just stay frigid for a while, watching him rummage through clothes, cursing under his breath every once in a while.

‘Orlando?’ I finally whisper, once I’ve found a scarce amount of breath. And I utter it so quietly I hope he won’t hear. But when he literally jumps feet in the air, banging his head hard on the corner of the furniture I know he definitely has.

‘Keira!’ He gasps, throwing his hands to his forehead in pain as he clutches his forehead. ‘I thought my sister was here.’<br>
‘I’m sorry,’ I croak as I shake my head. ‘I-I came to return Kate’s clothes.’ I hold up the bag and pass it to him. ‘Merry Christmas.’ I rush before starting to walk away fast.

‘No Keira!’ He shouts, running after me and blocking the doorway so I can’t get past. ‘P-please don’t go. Um, stay for a cup of tea or something?’<br>
‘Orlando, just let me go!’<br>
I start to move again but he doesn’t and continues to block the doorway. He’s staring at me, hand rubbing the back of his neck, something he always does when uncomfortable. I’m ready to resist, but then I look at his pleading eyes and melt.

‘Please stay?’ He begs, ‘Just…please?’<br>
‘Ok,’ I give in softly. And im not the least surprised at my answer because I knew I would relent. Because I always do to him.

He smiles at me, starting to walk down the corridor to the kitchen where he puts on the kettle. We both stare at eachother for a moment, desperately searching our brains for something to fill the awkward gap. But then I notice blood beginning to trickle down to his eyebrow from where his hand is clutching his head. Cursing, he attempts to wipe some of the red liquid away, only making it worse and spreading it in a glaring streak across his forehead.

‘Does it hurt?’ I ask softly, instinctively moving to his side without thinking, the uneasiness before forgotten.

‘Yeah,’ he mutters through gritted teeth, squeezing eyes shut before pulling hands away to reveal a large bump and nasty graze oozing more blood. Gingerly I raise my fingers to gently smooth curls away from the area before softly tracing the cut. In order to reach him my body ends up pressed against his, but I just can’t bring myself to pull away even though I know what I’m doing is against what I decided. It just feels so right. The feeling of his body radiating warmth onto mine is enough to make me wish to stay like it forever. When I touch a particularly tender place he gasps, intaking breath sharply but doesn’t pull away. Instead, he slips an arm around my waist tugging me closer. His lips quiver as if about to say something but no words brace his lips. And I’m glad because I realise as soon as a voice slashes the silence, the earth shattering realisation will hit us that we should not be doing what we are. And I don’t want him to go. I am content where I am. Close to him. Breathing in his scent. Enjoying his presence. Yet this time the enchanted time ends quicker then expected by just a longing gaze that has me snap back to my senses. Reminds me of Jamie back home waiting for me and only me. And it isn’t fair. So I draw apart. I belong somewhere else now. My life has changed. And he’s not in it. Hasn’t been accepted into my world. But he’s still there at the boundaries yelling to get in.

He’s not winning. Not really.

‘L-let me clean it.’ I stutter profusely, trying to gain back my composure but failing miserably. I grab some kitchen towel and wet it. But then I’m back against him. Biting my lip and avoiding eye contact because I know if I let him catch my gaze I’m lost.

As I tend to the gash he waits patiently, but I know he is looking at me. Staring. I want to know what is running through his head. Silence I have learnt, is sometimes ended by a surprising, irregular question, sentence or query from him. About the abortion for example. The question had shocked me and because of the sincerity of his tone, I couldn’t help but wonder if Kate was pregnant. If that’s what was tearing him apart. But their communication is far too good for a troubled couple. So I believe. Wish. Hope. Because that is all I have in my power to do.

I’m waiting for him to speak. Something in my conscience is telling me it will be him to break the silence. And he does. With the exact unexpected sentence I had willed for.

‘I’ve missed you.’

He blurts it out loudly, causing me to stop my dabbing and stare at him even though I was counting down the seconds until he bagan to talk. It is not long before he’s blushing when I look away, realising he shouldn’t have told me what was going on inside his head.

I don’t know what to do and I don’t know what to say. The pause is a gentle one, waiting for some action or word to define the next emotion. And it comes when I suddenly feel the soft caress of his fingers running down my cheek and the warmth of his breath on my lips. ‘I’ve missed you.’ He murmurs again. Quietly this time. Lovingly. ‘I’ve missed you so much, Keira.’<br>
I let him wrap his arms around me so perfectly and so beautifully that I don’t want to let go. I wish I do not have to reply to him. I can’t bring myself to admit that now I’m here, I realise I miss him too. More then I thought.

I give him a smile in reply. A sad smile that he can catch a glimpse of before resting my head in the crook of his neck.

‘Merry Christmas.’ He whispers in my ear, ‘Enjoy the Christmas you didn’t have last year.’<br>
That’s when I part from him, noticing his eyes are misty whereas mine are leaking a few tears. And I surprise myself. Do something I have been telling myself not to do the whole time. But I forget Jamie for a second. And a second is all it really takes. In a sudden wave of passion, I place my hands on both sides of Orlando’s face and softly press my lips against his, loving the sudden rush that shivers through my body. It urges me to carry on but I linger, knowing my body is telling me this is so right when the truth is it’s all wrong. But then Orlando is meeting my lips again. Beautifully. So incredibly beautifully that I find myself sighing into his mouth secretly telling him not to stop. And he knows. Of course he does. Because he understands me too well. Is familiar with every inch of my skin and how my body reacts to ceratin things. And that’s what brings me back to the present world, because I realise that if I don’t stop soon, I won’t stop at all.

‘No!’ I moan in a whimpering cry, tearing away from his mouth. Moving so my back is to him, eyes squeeze shut in disbelief. ‘I-I shouldn’t have done that. I-I should never have done that.’<br>
I’m talking to myself more then him. Trying to persuade myself that what I have just done isn’t fair. It’s a couple of minutes before I turn around again, only to find desiring black eyes instead of the usual brown. I’m shaking hard, trying to resist rushing back to him and pulling him into a long embrace. I start to walk away, back into his bedroom where I left my handbag, throwing aside masses of clothes.

When I find it, I throw the jeans that are covering it a little away from me. The footsteps that followed me down the hallway halt just by my side and I know Orlando is watching me. However my gaze has become occupied elsewhere. The jeans that land on the carpet, let something silver slip from one of the pockets. So I bend to pick it up, too oblivious by the tears clouding my sight to notice how Orlando has suddenly frozen to the spot, mouth half open ready to shout at me to stop. But it’s already too late.

I don’t think or stop to study the necklace until it’s in my hands. The swan is what finally catches my eye. The animal standing out so magnificently from the jewel pendant, proudly presenting itself with a posessive beauty that only few can describe. A sob catches in my throat in no time, strangling itself to death as I stare up at him, tears sub-consciously dripping down my face.

And I don’t bother saying anything because I know there’s no point. Orlando remains motionless. Still. No movement is made, no shout commences and no touch stops me as I drop the necklace holding all our secrets and run out of the appartment, slamming the door behind me.

But if I had still remained in the room I would have witnessed things that would have torn my heart apart.

I wasn’t there to see Orlando yell in frustration as soon as I disappeared from sight.

I didn’t watch him throw the necklace at the wall in absolute anger, a cry releasing itself from the depths of his chest, eyes blazing with a hazardous fire.

I was not there to help him up when he collapsed onto the floor, bursting into a fit of shaking sobs as he crawled over the ground.

I didn’t see him pick up the jewel and clutch it to his heart, hugging it as if it is the most precious thing on earth.

Because I didn’t see anything I should have seen.

I just didn’t see anything at all.

[GotBloom]

Wow. The was AMAZING! I loved it. I've been reading this story for a while and it just keeps getting better and better. Don't keep me in suspense, PLEASE update! ;D

[Azaria]

Oh hey I am new here but I am in dying need of an update...

[Jems]

*whispers* I really should update this shouldn't I?

[venus567]

Yeah it's been quite some time. You should update this asap!