Post by Jems on Nov 19, 2004 18:21:12 GMT -5
Angels
You once said that life was a very special thing. A pure essence that should be valued and cherished because it can only ever be captured and savoured once. And after that it disappears, as well as you, for without life, there is no way to exist in the world.
When tears fall rapidly from the open heavens set high above your head, you begin to wonder who is crying. Why the droplets pitter and patter like a melodic tune by your feet, which are already welcomed to the wet and dreariness you are surrounded in. And then it comes to you. The person who’s crying is infact you and all the sorrows set deep in the swimming emotion of your mind glide to the fresh outdoors and lighten the load of your worries.
When you start to breathe frantic issues, all you see is sadness. No good manages to seep its way in your thoughts, instead you surround yourself with fantasies. Images that capture your mind so vividly and so convincingly that you have a hard time distinguishing what is real and what isn’t. It’s as if every day you are shoved in front of a camera and forced to act instead of letting the true person you are shine through like the brightest star in the galaxy. And you discover nobody truly knows your actual personality, and how you react to different situations, because you act every week and month like a play. There’s no wrong or right, just impulse and what feels correct at the particular moment you are trapped in.
Things that aren’t so big seem to get you down so easily now, like the time your friend cancelled your plans for somebody else. It hurt. The pain was unbelievable, but partly because you made it like that. You wanted to express your emotions so much you exaggerated them so well that people caught the sympathy you needed and attempted to make you feel loved.
And it worked. A tiny bit.
When love doesn’t seem capable anymore you say that somebody has dug a big hole and buried you in it with no chance to escape. But it’s not correct really. We all know you shovelled into the earth and jumped down into that hole as soon as tragedy stepped in your path.
You can’t help it. And we don’t blame you.
There’s always a clock ticking and even though you are still experiencing your younger years, that little snag in your soul is still picking slowly at your heart. It tells you times running out. It has barely even started. You wish it could stop. But nobody can.
Every twenty-four hours feels utterly wasted, even if it wasn’t one full of grief or suffering. You can’t help the little voice inside the depths of your mind asking, ‘what did you do that imprinted in your memory today? Is there anything important?’ And if there isn’t, it’s another series of hours knocked off before death pounces on you like a lion hunting its prey.
The rain starts to become heavier. You press your nose against the cold, condensed glass, your eyes tracing the darkness of the sky. You wonder if there is anybody up there. Whether they can see you and cry for your sorrow. You believe there is a heaven somewhere among the mist of the hollow, sullen emptiness. It’s hard to think there is such a place when the weather is at its most horrific.
But if there is life above the clouds, are there angels?
You used to hear them singing. Their lullabies would flood to your senses making you over crowded with joy. And when you were sad…you felt their loving arms wrap you in an embrace, letting you know everything was going to be just fine.
You told me that once. But that was when I thought I knew you. Now I realise I never knew you at all.
You asked me the other day where they had gone. Why they had left you at this difficult time and had been around when nothing mattered half as much as it does now.
But they are there. Hiding and waiting for you among the grey wisps of clouds. Beyond the stretch of sky that appears so unreachable but able to grasp if you just try.
There are angels looking over you tonight, crying your tears of hurt and letting them drop down from the heaven above. They fall onto the windowpane, trying to grab your attention.
But you give up.
You turn your back.
You don’t believe in angels anymore.